3 posts tagged “romance”
• It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.
• Know that showing appreciation and attention, especially when you least want to show them and the other person most needs them, will always bring you closer than asking for them.
• First look to the other person’s positive intent as you hear what what is said.
• Saying less often gets you more of what you want from him.
• Looking directly and warmly at her, rather than away, often brings out the part of her you most enjoy.
• Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the other person feel more safe, respected and cared for in the relationship.
• First try to act in a different and positive way before you verbally ask for a change in someone else.
• Don’t interrupt, especially when you most want to.
• First answer the other person’s question. Answer it directly, without preface, qualifiers, countering, second guessing, answering questions she or he did not ask or raising other points first.
• Do not answer a question with a question, including questioning that person’s question of you.
• Find out whether the other person feels you’ve answered her or his question or otherwise responded adequately before you move onto your question or another point or topic.
• Showing resentment and resistence will most likely escalate the hardening of sides between you.
• Rather than describing what you don’t like, ask for a specific change.
• Be willing to make a change before asking for one.
• Don’t ask for more than one change at a time, unless you want them all ignored.
• Know that the more changes you ask for the more resistent you’ll face, and the more likely it will be for you both go to your heads to think, rather than to your hearts to feel.
• Use factual language and few words to describe what you want changed.
• Use emotion-laden language, and more words, to describe what you like in the other person.
• Women: Say and move less, especially when you want to do the opposite
• Men: Give her more eye contact. If you don’t feel comfortable answering her right away, tell her so directly. Then tell her when you will get back to her with a response.
• In the middle of your hottest moments of discussion, remember what you most like in the other person and take the time to express it.
•Of course all these apparently wise pieces of advice are much easier to offer than to live by.
Men aren't born passive. Women aren't born wild. We just have that effect on each other … too often.
When and why does a conversation become one-sided, or dissolve into conflict, and how can you turn it around and stay sane?
Here's some gut instincts research-based insights on:
- why things often go sour between the sexes, followed by
- four suggestions for smoother, more satisfying ways to stay connected:
At work, the man is often active, articulate, assertive, and usually successful in his conversations, especially with other men.
But at home he can become inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn.
He becomes passive with his wife – especially in certain situation.
Yet even when the woman works outside the home she tends to communicate in a more active way at home - and instinctively wants the same style from her mate.
His apparent passivity drives her crazy.
In the face of his further retreat, she goes wild. *
Then he becomes more still, and escapes at the first opportunity.
In personal relationships women often want too much talk, as men sees it.
She feels resentful, complains, keeps asking questions, talks more, may even act bitter.
He feels he can’t meet her needs and ends up feeling guilty and sulks.
They both end up blaming each other.
He thinks: If only she’d shut up.
She thinks: If only he'd talk to me.
Here’s four ways women are more likely to engage men in the positive, lively conversation we crave:
Suggestion #1
“Stop Talking Sooner”
Or, less politely, "shut up sooner. As a child my mother washed my mouth out with soap for saying “shut up” yet that’s sound advice for women in trying to connect with men. Women are usually immediately aware of our feelings, able to express them, usually comfortable in explaining, and asking, and elaborating... in considerable detail.
Our verbal agility can inadvertently create a wall, as women, if it gets us out of sync with men. At times, in personal, social and work situations, men and women will get closer if the speed of the conversation and the amount of words slows down.
When women feel that men are not listening, we tend to “rise” to the occasion by raising our voice and verbiage. That is we tend to say more, faster, more intensely and at a higher volume. It is as if we are thinking, “What I said and how I said it did not work so I will do more of what did not work, and expect a different outcome.”
Our pace in conversation is faster and more multi-dimensional. We rush past and around most men.
We need to allow a man to respond, a point at a time, at his pace, without interrupting or finishing his sentences.
If the strongest complaint women have about men is that they do not listen, then we must work hardest on leaving the time for them to speak.*
Suggestion #2
“Sidle”
While women prefer to talk, face-to-face, men pefer to sidle, standing side by side. Research shows that both women and men like each other more and get along better when standing or sitting side-by side.
Suggestion #3
“Get Moving”
Any woman who wants better relations with a man should “walk it out”: talk while walking to the meeting, around the block, etc.
Further, when men and women are walking or eating together their body motions become more similar so they get more in sync. Even vital signs (heartbeat, skin temperature, eye pupil dilation) become more similar) so we are more likely to feel a natural, easy kinship.
In motion we tend to experience the best, rather than the worst side in the opposite sex. That's good news. Yes?
Suggestion #4 “’See’ the Situation Their Way”
Women crave longer and more continuous eye contact than men.
To help men feel more comfortable let go of that unremitting eye gaze. Glance away sometimes as a man is inclined to do while thinking.
His glance away does not necessarily mean avoidance so don’t act as if it does by a your harsh tone, words or glance.
He may be trying to gather his thoughts.
Why do we instinctively like some people and find others irritating or worse?
What makes us agree, buy, help . . . or not? Do your gut instincts help or hinder your “LQ” – Likeability Quotient? From an expert on gut instincts, gain insights about how to say it better next time. Answer this quick nine question quiz and get some tips. Some of the answers may surprise you.
1. Do people get along better when talking to each other if they are facing
each other or if they are standing side by side?
2. Who tends to face the person with whom they are speaking (men or women) and who tends to stand side by side, facing more or less the same way (women or men)?
3. If you want to increase the chance of knowing if someone is lying to you, what is one helpful phenomenon to notice about that person’s face when he or she is talking to you?
4. If you want to keep someone’s attention, is it better to wear a patterned
shirt or blouse or a plain blouse or shirt?
5. What is the most directly emotional of all the senses, bypassing the
thinking facilities and causing a quicker, more intense reaction in the limbic
(emotions) system than any other sense?
6. Are you more likely to get someone to support you or buy something if you give them something up front, unasked, before you ask for the favor?
7. Who tends to maintain wider peripheral vision when entering a new place, men or women?
8. Who tends to be more specific in their descriptions, adults or children?
9. Of the previous eight questions, which is the one people are most likely to
ask for the answer to first, and if reading the questions in a group, are most
likely to comment on first?
~~~~~
Answers
1. People get along better when they “sidle”, stand or sit side by side rather than when they face each other.
2. Men are more likely to sidle than women.
3. Note the timing and duration of the first “reactive” expression on someone’s face when you think that person is not telling you the truth. When lying, most people can put an innocent expression on their faces, yet few (except pathological liars) will have the right timing or duration of that expression.
If you ignore the expression itself and, instead, consider whether the timing and duration of the expression seem natural, you’ll greatly increase your chances of knowing if that person is lying.
4. Wearing a plain, unpatterned shirt or blouse will increase the chances that the listener will hear you longer. A patterned top or ornate jewelry or loud tie will break up the listener’s attention span sooner, and that person is more likely to go on more “mental vacations” sooner.
5. Smell is the most directly emotional of the senses. The right natural scent can refresh or relax you and others in your home or work site. Vanilla, apple, and chocolate are the scents Americans most like.
6. Yes, up to 14 times more likely to get their support or a purchase. This gut instinct is often called “reciprocity reflex.” Learn more by reading influence by Robert Cialdini.
7. Women. That is why storeowners who serve men will increase their sales if they have prominent, eye-level signage over large displays where men will see the signage soon after entering the store.
8. Children are more vividly specific, hitting their prime around fourth grade and then beginning to speak in generalities, more like adults. A specific detail proves a general conclusion, not the other way around. Plus, specifics are more memorable and credible.
9. Question number 3.
It seems that we have an inordinate interest in lying.
~~~~~
Three related insights on instincts that may interest you:
Finding #1: “Move to Motivate”
MOTION
Motion is emotional. It increases the intensity of feeling about whatever is
happening.
Further, people remember more the things they dislike or fear that they
experience in motion, more than things they enjoy. Motion attracts attention and causes people to remember more of what’s happening and feel more strongly about it, for better or for worse.
Insight:
This is another justification for golf! Think of the memorability inherent in a golf swing. The more dimensions of motion involved (body moving up/down, left/right, backward/forward), the more memorable the motion.
Get others involved in motions with you that create good will: walking, sharing a meal, handing or receiving a gift, shaking hands, turning to face a new scene. You are more likely to literally get “in sync” (vital signs become more similar: eye pupil dilation, skin temperature, heartbeat) and to then get along.
Finding #2: “Deep Convictions”
PASSION
The more time, actions, or other effort someone has put into something,
someone, or some course of action, the more deeply that person will believe in
it, defend it, and work on it further.
Insight:
If you want more from another person, wait to ask until after she has invested more time, energy, money, or other resources. The more someone talks about it, repeats and elaborates it, writes it down, and explains it to others, the more deeply that person will believe it – and feel inclined to tell others. Imagine your customers raving about their experience with your product.
Finding #3: “True Timing”
LIKEABILITY
If a person likes the way he acts when he is around you, he often sees the
qualities in you that he most admires. The opposite is also true. Two universal truths: people like people who are like them, and people like people who like them.
Insight:
Pick the moments when someone feels most at ease and happy to move the relationship forward. Don’t make suggestions or requests when they are acting in an unbecoming way your efforts will only backfire. Praise the behavior you want to flourish. Don’t ask for more from someone until they have invested more time, money, other resources, or emotional “chits” in the relationship.
