The Still Man and the Active Woman

Joseph Heller wrote a vivid passage about what this feels like for a man in his novel, “Something Happened”: “I try my best to remember on what terms (my wife) and I parted this morning, or went to sleep last night, in order to know if she is still angry with me for something I did or did not say or do that I a no longer aware of.  Is she mad or is she glad?  I can’t remember.  And I am unable to tell.  So I remain on guard … “

Consequently his routine around her begins by being on guard, walking on eggshells, and hers is to speak out more, sooner, longer and wait for him to “get it”, to respond. 

When he doesn’t, she escalates her attack, gets more specific and detailed, motivated to get him to finally respond.  He gets overwhelmed and tunes out sooner, longer and more frequently.

You see something gradually changed.  The tenderness left. And tenderness is the lubricant in male/female love relationships.  Early in a relationship men and women are innocent until proven guilty.  We literally don’t see what we do not want to see and focus on what we adore. 

Later, after repetitive “passive men and wild, wild women” episodes of friction, each person is guilty until proven innocent, from the beginning.  Because that is what we grow to expect of each other and act out to prove each other right.

The rules now?  Whatever he does is now never enough.  Right or wrong, he is always wrong.  And so is she.